Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
