I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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