if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
