I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
