saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
