If i come over, it means nothing
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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