i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
