i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
