allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
