Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
