I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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