Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
