if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
3 2 1 whiskey
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
