cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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