i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
