I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
