True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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