I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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