we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
