I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
