LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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