You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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