I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
