in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I pour the whiskey from now on
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
