My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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