dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You made out with two different species that night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
