Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
