I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
