My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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