sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
