I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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