A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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