I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
