My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
