just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
