Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
