I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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