Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
