Swine flu. Run for my life!
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
