i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
