No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
