Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
