If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
