escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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