Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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