Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
