Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
