your parents love me but you hate me
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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