I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
