Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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