you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
